Humiliation part 2

See, phone issues!

My phone wouldn’t let me finish the post, it was acting wacky.

As I was saying, he didn’t tell me his friend as coming in behind him. He didn’t let me put my hijab on. I had to scramble to get my scarf.

I am humiliated. 

And the humiliation continues.

He won’t let me use the computer. He took it and I have to write this from my phone so it may not be long since my phone is so slow.

We got in a fight last night. He put his hands on me yet again. I was laying in bed with our daughter and he came up stairs and asked me something. He didn’t like my half asleep answer so he picked my phone up and hit me with it in his hand. Woke our daughter up. She didn’t cry. She followed him out the room and asked him what’s wrong. He told her “your mommy is a bitch”

I got so mad. I flippe, lost my mind. I got up and started punching him, screaming at him.

It was wrong of me to stoop to his level but I did it and am ashamed today. I usually just take it, and cry after he is done.

He said he is done with me. Done with our daughter.

So I left. Walked out the doo with my daughter. Ge followed. Begged me to come back. He said he was done with us but he doesn’t want us to sleep on the street.

He had a friend of his come. He tried to make excuses for him.

He left this morning. Not a word all day.came home at 9pm, showered and left again.

Came back with the friend. Didn’t tell me the frienWaac 

Spiraling

Is that even how you spell that?
I feel out of control. He seems to think sex is the cure all for any problem. I am mad at him? He tries to seduce me and no discussion after. He says that’s how I know he loves me.
Not in a condescending way like nobody else would want me, but he actually in some twisted way thinks sex is the best way to show love.
He can treat me horribly all the rest of the time but just bring me to bed and that makes it all ok.
I am sorry to be so open about this subject, but it came up again last night.
Once again, I found he had written in the sand “I love leanna” I am not leanna. That’s not my name.
He said he had written it because a friend on a chat site he is on wanted it for her profile picture. He even showed me her profile and sure enough it is there, but I don’t believe that’s the reason he took it.
I cried, he gave me his same bull “I am sorry” lines.
He took me upstairs, me pretty much fighting him until I just gave in. I just laid on the bed as he fed me some more lines on how he will never find anyone like me, how he is going to take a picture of my beautiful eyes and make them his profile picture.
And sure enough what did I find when I got online today? Some slut’s eye saved on my computer. Not my eye, not even the same color.
He had probably been talking to some girl, probably leanna, and that’s where he got the idea to feed me that line.
I can’t believe a word that comes from him.
He has no conscience. He has no soul. He has no heart.
And I am an idiot for ever believing him for a second.

Unsure of the direction of this blog and my life.

I am secretly hoping that it can be a source of income. Maybe enough to pay for schooling for me to be able to move on with my life?
But mostly it’s just a place for me to vent.
He has all but ignored me all day. Usually after a fight he will try to make it up to me. Try to get me to laugh, try to get to have physical contact with him because he knows that’s what makes me cave. “I just need a hug” he will tell me. And a hug will turn in to him touching me, kissing my neck, and whispering he is sorry.
Who knows what tonight will bring.
He did take the time to play outside with our child today. That was a surprise to me.
I stayed in, cooked dinner, did laundry, cleaned up.
I have a strange feeling. I am not sad, not angry. I am just annoyed. Resentful.
An almost constant thought in my head is “I deserve better”
I have always felt this, but it’s never been such a strong force before.
Nothing else matters. I have to get out of this. I have to get over these feelings of love for him, of loss of what I dreamed for our life together.
I deserve better. My child deserves better.
I am not as good of a mother as I should be. I am less patient than I should be because of all the stress I am under. I need to be free. To do good for her. To show her an example of what a woman should be, not as I am now. Showing her how to be a shell of a person. Not to be a punching bag.
I have failed her. I am failing her by showing her what a marriage should not be.
Marriage is half our deen. I do not want her to avoid marriage out of fear because of what she has seen marriage is.
I want her to grow up strong so that she can have that through her life. Through her own marriage inshallah.

For my life I am lost. I need a way to provide. I need to go to school. I need to work. I need to balance all this with being the sole care taker for my child.
I know better than to rely on him for anything. He won’t be able to take her for weekends, not even over night. I doubt I will see a penny from him. Even if I do go through the American courts for child support he will hide any wages he makes, work under the table. If he even works at all.
I don’t know what happened to the man I married? I know I did all I could for him. Helped all I could. And got no results, the abuse just keeps getting worse and more frequent.  

The spark that started a blog.

We are basically homeless at the moment. We have got evicted from our apartment, and a friend of my husband is letting us stay at his house, alhumdulilah.
I may go more in to this in another post, but to keep this from getting too long, I will give the condensed version.

My husband hasn’t worked since December. And that was just 2 months at that job after being out of work 2 months before that!
He lost his job due to his neglect. He was supposed to be managing a store. But he was sitting in the office on the computer on a chat site all the work day, having more employees working than was needed, not watching their customer service so the customers were unhappy, serving food that had expired weeks before. So, obviously the owner, a friend of his no less, fired him.

We had no savings. We pawned everything we could to get a little money for food, but no way to pay rent. I eat once a day, just before bed to stop my stomach from growling. But he still bought cigarettes. Still spent money to create chat rooms on this site he became addicted to, still spent money to purchase virtual gifts to send. I would spend $30 a week at the grocery store for meals for us, he would spend $200 on cigarettes and chat rooms. I am feeding our daughter no fruits, no veggies to help her body grow. Just filling her growing body and mind with beans and rice to keep her stomach satisfied.

We got our income tax check, it was gone in a week. And not a thing to show for it. He bought himself a new phone. Bought himself new clothing. Meanwhile I have 3 outfits, one bra that is almost trash because the underwire is coming out, poking me every 20 minutes through the day. I have to push it back in.

Today I woke up to him once again on the chat site. I sat down, didn’t even get a chance to have my morning coffee. Didn’t even get a chance to use the bathroom. Our daughter was whining that she wanted breakfast, so I got up and went to make it. He wanted to talk though, told me he was going to go meet his ex boss, ex friend 4 hours away. He is saying my husband owes him $40,000 so he needs to talk to him.
This guy also wants to buy our store that we have there but have no way to remodel and open up.
My husband wants to find a way to open it. He told me he wants us to rent a house here because rent is much cheaper. He will stay in a cheap, crappy motel there and run the store in the summer, from April to September since it’s seasonal.
I told him I want us to stay together as a family. I can’t even trust him not to cheat and talk to other women while I am right here with him, what about if he isn’t even home half the year?
His response? “Just go file for divorce then? I will divorce you” and when I tried to talk to him more about it, he threw his coffee mug at me, it landed on the floor and shattered. He got the keys, threw them at me. Screaming that he hates me. Spitting in my face. Telling me just leave and don’t come back, I am not even worth him hitting me and getting in trouble.

He then took the computer, tried walking out the door. I lost it.
I started screaming hysterically. Screaming I have done nothing but be a good wife to him, worked our entire marriage to help support us, to help build the business. I worked up until 4 days before having our daughter and I was over due with her even. I brought my infant daughter to work with me. Brought her with me up until now that she is a toddler.
I clean the house. I cook for him, learned to cook foods from his culture. I am trying to teach our daughter how to be a good Muslim when her father is teaching how to be a bad one.
I was screaming I have done nothing to deserve his hate. I am an attractive woman. I need to lose some weight, but I have a nice face. I am clean. I never deny him, even though I get denied. And he never makes me feel wanted. And sometimes I can’t get the words from the messages he sends other women out of my head. They make me feel dirty. Ugly. Unwanted.
He seemed to change some how when I was screaming. His face looked at me like it used to for just a minute, like he actually saw me as a person, as a human, as someone he cared about.
He told me to clam down, told our daughter he was sorry, took her in the other room and left me by the door crying until I threw up.

This is not good. Not healthy. Usually in our fights I don’t respond. I just cry. I just let him hit me. I actually still have bruises from last time. I let him spit on me. I just take the words and the punches and the slaps and the things thrown at me.
I think today is just a sign that I am done. I am done taking all the abuse. I want more out of life and as scared as I am to go out on my own with a child and no education, no support from anyone, I am more scared to stay and end up having him kill me as he almost did once.
Last Ramadan no less.

He just came back down stairs. Said he would be right back, left.
I don’t know where he went. Don’t know when he will be back. I don’t even know if I care. I haven’t cleaned the coffee mug. I know I will be the one to clean the mess though. I always am.

Welcome to the break down of my marriage.

As salaam alikum.

The purpose of this blog is not to slander my soon to be ex husband, but to help me as I am going through this hard time. I feel lost and feel I have nowhere to turn.
No family support. No friends.
I am going at this alone. He has made sure in our 7 years of marriage I rely solely on him.
He has not allowed me access to education so I am starting over with not even a high school diploma. It’s scary.
I am terrified I will be on the streets. Homeless. My daughter will be taken from me. I will fail her more than I already have.

I am mourning the loss of what my marriage had the potential to be. I am mourning the children I desperately want and will never have. I think i stayed as long as I have because of those children that will never be.
I give thanks to Allah for my daughter, she is the biggest gift in my life. But I feel in my heart that there is room for more. I want to experience that again. The excitement of having life grow inside me, moving around. Having a newborn in my arms, feeding it from my breasts. The first smiles. I want to share that excitement with my daughter.
I want my husband to look at me in amazement again like he did when I delivered, when I got by on 3 hours of sleep, as I taught our child new things. I want him to love me.
I want to know I have someone to be there for me always.
And I think all along, I was fooling myself that he was that person.
He never was and never will be. I have to accept that and move on, but accepting everything I will lose, I am finding is nearly impossible.

That’s where this blog comes in I guess. Maybe if I have a safe place to vent. To explain. A “dear diary” type situation, I will be able to cope. To accept that I have to take action because the way I am allowing myself to be treated is not healthy for me or my daughter.
I deserve better and so does she.
Allah did not make women to be abused by men. To be spat at. To be cheated on. We were given a high place, mothers, wives, sisters, daughters. I will no longer allow myself to be anything less than what I am. I am a pious Muslimah. I do my duty to Allah and my husband and I do not deserve this.